How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

In that joke lies a great truth. If you want a better life and to get what you deserve, you have to want it, and badly. The desire to change lies below your fears, deep down in your soul. It’s that part of you that longs to say, “I’m tired of this and I’m not going to take it anymore.” When you feel this strongly, all you need is a bit of guidance and encouragement.

Wanting to change doesn’t mean that you must do it right away. It’s your choice to move slowly, moderately, or quickly, based on circumstances and personal preference. And it’s best to tackle one problem area at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed. This is your first official act of rebellion against the voices that dictate your most private choices.

Put yourself in control. Here are your options:

Small steps. This involves a commitment to change by staying focused on your needs. These are actions you take every day, choices that may seem insignificant individually. For example, reading this article is an action of intent that shows you want a more productive life. Small steps can also make your life and relationships more rewarding while reducing the resistance you might encounter. Let’s say you’re constantly chauffeuring your teen daughter around; maybe you’re not ready to refuse her request, but you can simply not offer to drive.

Longer strides. This requires a commitment to taking action by finding a middle road of compromise. Longer strides lead to intentional actions, setting boundaries, and holding your bottom line. For instance, you might tell your daughter that you intend to limit the number of times you’ll act as her driver and ask her to come up with a new arrangement that would fulfill both your needs. At times, longer strides may lead to a rocky path of confrontation and opposition. This is the choice of the truly frustrated, sometimes brave and often desperate.

Life-changing leaps. This involves making unilateral decisions and acting on your own behalf without the input of others. Life-changing leaps are reserved for people who feel they have no other choice. Although quick, profound change can be exhilarating, it can be followed by self-doubt and fear of repercussions. For example, you might place strict limits on the number of times you’ll act as driver for your daughter, along with requirements regarding how much advance notice you’ll need. Then, if you weren’t given enough notice, you’d refuse the request even if your daughter responds with threats or temper tantrums.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we do more to help someone else overcome the most difficult of obstacles than we do for ourselves? In my work, I’ve found that most people will care for themselves to a point yet will go above and beyond for others often at their own expense.

This is because when you walk into the unknown you are really walking into your fear. Fear is simply an acronym for False Expectations Appearing Real. It’s a future perception that there will be more pain than pleasure, more bad than good, more sad than happy.

In this universe, everything is in balance. There is never more pain than please, bad than good, sad than happy. It’s just our perception. We often become paralyzed by fear when we think about doing something in the future that we aren’t sure of. Our doubts creep into our conscious thought and we start to imagine the worst case scenario’s.

When we break it down, fear is just a perception that if we go to that ‘place’ we won’t be able to handle it. We won’t be able to handle whatever we are confronted with. We won’t have the tools or skills necessary. We won’t be fully equipped to deal with the possibilities that may arise.

The way that you manage fear is actually quite easy. The first thing you need to do is get specific with what the fear is really all about. What are you really afraid of? Chunk it down until you can come up with something that you feel emotional about. Then, write a list of all the benefits of actually doing the thing you are afraid of. Keep writing the benefits until the fear no longer exists. Then, when you have balanced out your lopsided perceptions you won’t feel afraid anymore. You’ll be able to make a clear decision on the right course of action without the emotions getting in the way. You will have more clarity and certainty about the right path.

When we balance out any lopsided emotions, we really step into our own Personal Power. We are able to make better decisions and the path to carrying out our goals becomes clearer. Doesn’t that sound like something better to focus on?

What do you need to focus on today to ensure that you have an outstanding tomorrow?

Where you are today has been determined by the decisions you made yesterday and the day before and so on. Your today has happened because of the ‘Power’ you gave it yesterday. Your ‘Power’ is the culmination of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and what you tell yourself.

So what needs to change today to make tomorrow the most outstanding day? What things do you need to bring into your world today to create the tomorrow that you desire?

Are you going to wake up tomorrow morning and say to yourself,

“I have so much to do today. I have to do this and this and this and by the time I’ve done all of these things, I’ll have no time for the things I truly want to do. There are so many demands on me right now. Life sucks.”

What if you were to wake up tomorrow morning and say to yourself,

“Today, I have a fair amount of things to do, but, if I concentrate on getting the ‘have to do’s’ done first, then I will be free to do the things I want to do later.”

How much different would it feel if you were to change the way you talk to yourself? For example:

“It’s too hard. I can’t do it.”

Change it to:

“It’s a challenge, but I’ll give it a go.”

What we focus on is what we will find evidence of, to the exclusion of everything else. We can only experience what we search for. So, why not search for the positives in your life. Give the positives all the power you can and take the momentum away from the negative. You might be surprised by the result.

I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life when my world has felt completely out of control. Like the whole world is conspiring to see me fall down. If this is how you’re feeling right now, then have hope. I’m going to share with you the strategy that I use to take back control.

Feeling in control about our life is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. We need to feel that our world has a sense of order and purpose to it so that we can operate effectively. We feel confident and comfortable which allows us to relax and take it easy. We sleep easier and our stress levels go down.

When that sense of order is missing, we suffer all sorts of afflictions, such as stress, anxiety, we become teary and can’t manage as well as we can under normal circumstances. Then we begin to beat ourselves up by talking harshly to ourselves and putting ourselves down. Sound familiar … or maybe it’s just me.

It’s been said that we are in control as much as we are out of control. The only thing that changes is our perspective. When we see ourselves as in control, we are confident and calm. When we are out of control, we see the opposite.

Control is a funny world, isn’t it? It conjures up all sorts of amazing images in our mind. Images like the ball and chain, lord and master, king and peasant. This needn’t be the case. I remember when I first began my training as a Coach, at our first weekend of training I asked my trainer … “How can we be out of control when there is so much going on in our life that requires us to be in control?” This is what she told me …

The more you are able to learn about yourself, the greater the amount of control you will have. The more you come from a place of knowing rather than reacting, the more confident you will become.

So, here are my steps for gaining control …

Step 1:   STOP!

Simply stop what you’re doing and take a breath. We often scramble to take back control and find ourselves turning in circles. Stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath, close your eyes as you let it out slowly. This will allow you to regain your composure.

Step 2:  ASK A BETTER QUESTION

Ask yourself, what’s really going on here? If I were to take away all of the emotion, what am I left with? This will give you greater clarity around the situation and allow you to see it through new eyes.

Step 3:  WHAT CAN I OWN .. WHAT CAN I DISCARD?

Write a list of all the things that are going on right now. Then, next to each item, mark it with an O or a D. O is for the things that you can control. D is for the things that you can’t control.

Step 4:  WRITE A NEW LIST

Write a list of all the items you have marked with an O. These are the things that you can control. Put them in order of priority and voila, you will feel more in control. You can then put your mind towards ticking those items off your list.

Give these steps a go and see what happens.

Remember, you can only control yourself and your actions. You can’t control other people and what they do or don’t do. Put your energy into yourself and achieving the outcome you want.

What you value most in life is really what makes your heart sing. What lights you up. When you discover what you value, decision making becomes easier, choices become more apparent and your vision for the future becomes clearer.

Your values are your compass. They guide your every decision. Those who know their values and live by them become the leaders of our society. If you want to live the deepest level of life fulfillment, you can achieve this by deciding upon what you value most in life, what your highest values are and then committing to live by them every single day. Too often, people have no clear idea of what’s important to them. They go through life just floating by, never truly knowing where they are going. If you are not clear about what’s most important in your life, then how can you ever expect to lay the foundation for a sense of self-esteem, much less have the capacity to make effective decisions? 

If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where you were unable to make a decision, chances are, that’s because you weren’t clear on what you valued most. All decision making comes down to values clarification. When you know what’s important to you, making a decision becomes easy.

Know that the direction of your life is controlled by the magnetic pull of your values. They are the force that is constantly leading us to make decisions that create the direction and ultimately the future of our lives. The only way for you to have long term happiness is to live by your highest values and consistently act in accordance with what we believe our life is truly about.

How do we do that? You can start by asking yourself these questions.  Where do you spend most of your time? Where do you spend most of your money? What do you think about the most? These questions will help you to figure out what is most important to you. Once you have listed these, put them in order of most importance. Then, write them on cards and place them all around you. On your work cubicle. In your kitchen. On the back of the bathroom door. Anywhere you can see them regularly. Review them regularly and keep them up to date as often as possible. If something doesn’t feel right, then it may need to go down the list or be taken off completely. This is your list. Make it your own. 

By using this technique you are focusing your mind and training it to go into ’seek mode’ for the things that are most important to you. Soon, you will begin to see people and opportunities that are around you that you didn’t notice before. Knowing exactly what we value is the key to creating an authentic life of meaning and purpose.

Nothing will sabotage your efforts to live a healthy, balanced, fulfilled life more conclusively than surrounding yourself with people who don’t support your desire to live in this manner. The most difficult course you’ll chart as you make life improvements will be that of nurturing and evolving relationships with those who sustain you and identifying and terminating relationships with those who aren’t willing to support your growth.

Your relationships have the capacity to lift you up. They also have the capacity to keep you stuck and tear you down. Surrounding yourself with people who support your growth is an incredibly powerful way to create a lifestyle that pulls you toward your highest potential. Surrounding yourself with people who don’t will almost certainly undermine the very change that you’re attempting to make.

Your commitment to surrounding yourself with supportive people and clearly asking for the kind of support you need sets you up for success. Your willingness to develop relationships with people who share your values and interests increases your chances of success still further.  Your resolve to end relationships with people who won’t support or who undermine your attempts at change ensures your success, increases your satisfaction and validates your deservingness.

Take a moment to consider the key people in your life. Are they supportive of the new things you’re learning? Will they encourage you in your desire to change your behavior? Better still, will they partner with you? Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Adopt the strategy of surrounding yourself with empowering people and you will step more fully into your power.

Living an exceptional life is something that we’re all are striving for. A life filled with the things that are important to us. A life filled with feelings of confidence, success and a general sense of self-assuredness. For me, exceptional living means living life in the present, learning from the past with a view to the future.

For some people, the past is like a ball and chain. It follows them wherever they go, stopping them from achieving goals in their life. It is restricting, heavy and extremely burdensome. Most people never break free from the shackles of their past and are therefore living a life of regret.

“How we spend our days is of course, how we spend our lives” - Annie Dillard

Letting go of your past and living in the moment is one of the steps that will take you towards exceptional living. I say this because the only thing that you can have an effect on is this moment and how you use it. This hour, this minute, this second.

Ask yourself this question:  How can I create the life that I truly want whilst I spend my time living in the past? 

Realize that it cannot be changed

The most sobering thing about the past is that it cannot be changed. Things have already happened. And seeing as there is no way to travel back in time, there is no way to change the past. At this point you must learn to accept it.

How would you go if you were driving your car and the only thing you looked at was the rear vision mirror? You didn’t look out the front of the car, or to the sides. You simply fixed your sight firmly on what’s happening behind you. You can liken that to what happens when we live in the past. We go through life looking backwards. Our vision becomes tunnel like and the only things that we can see is what happened back there.

If you live in the past and are having trouble letting go you need to realize that it cannot be changed. You can never go back to those times and you will never erase what happened. By living in this past moment you are preventing yourself from actually fixing what you did wrong.

Sometimes, the biggest thing that stops us from moving forward is the fear. That’s something that I’ve gone through over the last couple of months.

Yes, it’s true, fear kept me stuck in the end of 2008. Even with the amount of work that I’ve done on myself and the things that I know, I was still struck down by fear. I knew that things needed to change and yet I was so afraid of the change. I kept trying to move forward with what I thought was needed yet kept hitting brick walls again and again.

I’m sharing it with you to show you that no matter who you are and what stage of self growth you’re in, you can still be struck down by fear.

The question is, what do we do about it?

The first thing that I did was acknowledged the fact that I was feeling the effects of fear. You can’t work with what you don’t know. If you can’t identify what you’re going through, it makes it extremely difficult to formulate a plan to overcome it.

Once I had acknowledge that I was feeling fear, I took just 15 minutes out of my day to become really clear on what was going on. You see, fear is just a mask for what’s really going on inside of us.

I took a piece of paper and wrote down a list of exactly what it was that I was afraid of. I kept writing until I had gotten to the point where the tears just flowed about and it was at that point that I had something to work with.

If you’re feeling the effects of fear and it’s stopping you from moving forward, why not try this technique. It only takes around 15 minutes yet gives you such clarity about what’s really going on in your world.

Of course you’ve heard that there are thousands of ways to rid fear from your life. Programs, potions, pills, Get Rid of Fear quick schemes, books. A whole industry has been born out of our need to control our fears. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could completely rid our lives of fear altogether?
Or would it…

Little by little as you begin to absorb this month’s newsletter, you’ll become aware that fear is actually quite useful. Fear is a really essential part of our journey. It allows us to know certain things like:

When there is the possibility of danger approaching us

• When we’re afraid of getting chastised for doing something we know we shouldn’t have(like eating those chocolate biscuits we shouldn’t)
• When we’ve stepped out on a ledge and are out of our comfort zone

There have been many times in your life that fear has proven to be your savior. It’s funny to even entertain the idea that fear is there for the purposes of keeping you safe.

I have recently experienced some pretty debilitating fears myself. These fears had so much control over my thoughts and feelings I found myself in an interesting situation. A situation that left me questioning my purpose. I kept saying to myself, “It shouldn’t be this hard.”

But when I realized what the fear was actually around, I then had a choice. I got to choose how I am going to manage this state. Was it all in my head or was the fear / danger real?

Lucky for me, the fear was all in my head. I didn’t have a stranger beating at my front door. I didn’t have a life threatening incident. Thank the heavens for that.

My fear was all around, what if no-one wants to listen to what I have to say. Now, throughout my life, especially in my childhood, I was very shy and introverted. I remember many times wanting to blend into the background so that no-one could see me. The thought of someone noticing me used to send me into a complete panic and run desperately in search of my mother’s skirt.

I spent the better part of my life keeping my thoughts to myself because I didn’t think that anyone would be interested in what I had to say. Now, it’s a little different - I’m glad to say.

I’ve found my voice and I have something important to say. In this moment of fear, I had to stop and ask myself a better question and those of you who have experienced a session with me will know that this is a big part of what we do. The question I asked myself was this:

Is this fear the fear of a woman about to turn 40 or is it the fear of a small child?

The answer:

It was the fear of me as a small child. The fear that I was running was the fear that I have carried around with me, unconsciously, since I was very little. And here I am, about to turn 40, and I’m still running that very same pattern. So what did I do. I asked myself this question:

What will it mean if no-one listens?

Will it mean that my point is not valid? - No.
Will it mean that I’m not good enough? - No.
Will it mean that no-one will ever listen to me again? - NO!

What it does mean, however, is that I had better go back and learn how to do some better marketing. I had better go and get some help. I had better start looking for different solutions. From this perspective, I could make a change to my current experiences.

So, in this sense, fear has been very useful. It came just in the nick of time. If it wasn’t for that fear, I wouldn’t have taken the necessary steps to make sure that this event is a complete success. I can honestly tell you that I have left no stone unturned in the lead up to this evening seminar. Now I feel that whatever happens on the night is meant to happen and I can pick up and go from there. I will learn from this experience and make the next one even better.